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Lessons Learned From Being Rejected By My Dad

Rejection

It was a cold, wintry night in mid-December 1983.  I’d just spent the evening with my biological father.  He pulled his truck into the driveway at my house in Princeton to drop me off.

Knowing I wouldn’t see him again before Christmas (because my parents had divorced earlier that year), I proudly handed him a crudely wrapped present – the best an eight-year-old could do.

It was a picture holder made of glass shaped in the letters spelling “DAD.”

But when I tried to give it to him, he refused to take it.  “It’s not Christmas yet,” he said.

Devastated, I ran into the house bawling.

That night marked the last time my dad ever contacted me for ten years.  No phone calls, no visits, no birthday cards, no Christmas presents.  Nothing. 

I never realized how that one moment of rejection would greatly affect many areas of life throughout the years.  Yes, even still today.

I’ve recently given more consideration to the events of that night thirty-three years ago.  As I’ve thought about it, I see how my biological dad’s rejection has helped shape the way I operate my business, Calibre Computer Solutions.

The biggest positive effect I believe it has had is that it has strengthened my desire to provide top-notch service.  I strive for all our work to be the best we can possibly do. 

It really bothers me when I encounter issues during a repair or have to provide not-so-great news to a client.

I suppose you could say my dad’s rejection has turned me into a “people-pleaser” of sorts.  But if that means truly caring and doing my best, I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

I frequently make sacrifices for my clients.  Many of those are behind the scenes that no one realizes.  Sometimes it’s not charging for a remote support session when a client calls with a quick computer question.  

More often it’s my getting to the office really early or working late into the night to finish up a repair so the client can get their computer back before it was promised it would be ready.

I took the rejection and transformed it into a hard (maybe at times unhealthy) work ethic.

Rejection, though, also has negative effects.  For me, it’s caused me to take things too personally many times. 

I always try to provide advice, service and recommendations I know would be in the best interest for each of my clients.  I refuse to provide a band-aid solution just to get a quick fix or make a quick buck.

But when someone ignores my guidance, it really bothers me.  I know everyone must make their own decisions, but I can’t help but feel rejected when I know my suggestion would solve their problem yet they don’t follow it.

This is an area I continue to work on.  To follow the advice of the song from the Disney film Frozen, “Let it go!”

Personal development guru Tony Robbins sums it up perfectly, “Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives.”

I’ve chosen to do the latter.

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Is Facebook Causing You To Be Depressed?

Social Media Depression

How many minutes each day do you spend scrolling through your Facebook news feed?

What about your kids or grandkids?  How much time do they devote to social media sites like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat?

Have you ever stopped to think about how you feel or observed your kids’/grandkids’ demeanor after being on social media?

A study published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology reports, “People feel depressed after spending a great deal of time on Facebook because they feel bad when comparing themselves to others.”

 

What constitutes a great deal of time? 

Only you can decide that, but consider these statistics.

Facebook boasts its 1.65 billion active monthly users fritter away an average of 50 minutes every day on its platforms.

The Social Skinny reports fifty percent of 18 to 24 year olds go on Facebook as soon as they wake up!

It’s practically impossible to refrain from social media sites because it’s accessible on every computer and mobile device we own.  (And yes, Facebook is open on my computer as I write this column.)

 

Social Comparison Theory

It’s human nature to see how our lives and experiences compare to those of others.  We determine our progress or success in life by seeing how we match up against others.  Psychologists call this the social comparison theory.

Although it’s a natural tendency, and even though we know that using social media could cause us to be depressed, anxious, jealous, or even angry, you and I still give in to the urge and scroll through Facebook looking to see what other people’s lives are like in comparison to ours.

Writer Jamie Friedlander says, “We used to compare ourselves to how we saw people at family gatherings or in the office.  Now we compare ourselves to perfectly crafted (and sometimes exaggerated) representations of people’s lives – without seeing the engagement ring that doesn’t fit, the sunburn while surfing in Costa Rica, the less-than-stellar salary at the new job or the anxiety that comes with having a newborn baby.  We see exactly what they want us to see.”

 

One-Upping the Joneses

Facebook and other similar sites have evolved into seeing who can impress others the most.  Much content shared on social media is carefully crafted to present the best possible representations of us and/or our situations.

Even mundane daily life can be scripted to be thrilling and exciting – all with the intention of giving others the impression our life is better than what it really is.

On the flip side, seeing others’ carefully crafted posts can make us feel inferior, less than perfect, or like we’re missing out.

 

Keeping Social Media in Check

So what can you do to prevent social media from dragging you or your kids into the doldrums and depression?

First and foremost, “People need to learn to take other people’s social media posts with a grain of salt and recognize that it represents how people want to share their experience.  All the facts are not there,” advises Karen North, Ph.D, a clinical professor of communication and the director of the digital and social media at the University of Southern California’s Annenberg School for Communication and Journalism.

Second, be gracious towards the successes of others.  Make a conscious decision to not become jealous or envious.  Rather, congratulate them and be thankful for what you do have in your life.

Finally, take a break from social media.  A technology detox helps us reconnect with people around us, experience greater peace, calms our mind, and improves our ability to think and feel.